Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
North and South
A tragic love story in two pictures.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…