Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
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Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: