Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.


You Might Also Like


[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe


There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.


Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes


Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie


[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit


I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.


Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it


4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*


WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?