[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’m having an out-of-money experience.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?