Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
You Might Also Like
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
CRYING
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.