[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.