BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
BIDEN: Kick, then.

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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid


[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea


Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.


I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless


Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?


I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie


Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.


After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.