@SimonNRicketts

BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
OBAMA: Joe.
BIDEN: Kick, then.

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@PoodleSnarf

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

@alicewhitey

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

@wolfpupy

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

@squidslippers

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

@_steamy_mac

“The baby’s been crying all day, we should microwave some fish.” – my neighbours

@FannyB1tch

Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.

@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

@RaphaelBW

some say Leonardo DiCaprio was a star before Titanic and some say he was a not a star but personally I will not be satisfied with this debate until Neil DeGrasse Tyson weighs in boringly about the scientific definition of “star” and everyone yells at him

@BoomBoomBetty

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.