No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
You Might Also Like
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.