Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”

Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”

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[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.



If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.

They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.


paid my rent so don’t ask me to go out because i’m in the crib getting my moneys worth.


hey guys, send thoughts and prayers.

I’m not sick or anything, just about to watch Borat 2 with my dad


To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.


*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken


Whoever named them “urinal cakes” has grossly underestimated my love for cake.

On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?


INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?


Judge: You’re sentenced to death. You’ll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE’S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife