Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
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One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
me and the Superbowl rn
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
me opening up to someone
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
don’t we all
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool