@Eyevenger

Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”

Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”

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@parkersJoking

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

@TheChalupa1

If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.

They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.

@chydollasign

paid my rent so don’t ask me to go out because i’m in the crib getting my moneys worth.

@itsPKav

hey guys, send thoughts and prayers.

I’m not sick or anything, just about to watch Borat 2 with my dad

@longwall26

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

@jonnysun

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

@Mikecanrant

Whoever named them “urinal cakes” has grossly underestimated my love for cake.

On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

@ibid78

Judge: You’re sentenced to death. You’ll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE’S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife