If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Golf would be better with landmines.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.