[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking