My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
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He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry