BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You Might Also Like
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I