Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
You Might Also Like
is nasa ok
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
had to share :’)
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot