Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
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“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.