It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.
*Eats chocolate bar
Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee
Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b
Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment
Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*
Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.
I put the ‘c**k’ in ‘puts c**k in anything’.