Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Introverted vegans go meetless