#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Spider-cat: No One Home
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.