Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
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sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
every single time
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee