[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
this article brought to you by lions
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all