Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Its a close one