I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
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Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming