ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
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Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
🐕🍷
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too