One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
This will never not be funny 😭
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.