“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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My 9: what language does toast speak?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Me: OMG! Say something!
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I saw this heartwarming video of baby bears climbing out of a dumpster and thought, “Who would throw away a perfectly good baby bear?”
Let’s make it weird.
Dont worry. I’ll start.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?
Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?
Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.