@Orchidano

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

@ianpauldukes

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

@Cheeseboy22

I saw this heartwarming video of baby bears climbing out of a dumpster and thought, “Who would throw away a perfectly good baby bear?”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

@ItsAndyRyan

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

@Chloestylo

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

@RodLacroix

Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?

Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?

Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.