Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.


chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE

assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?

other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again


Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.


Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.


She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.