Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
scares
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.