My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE
assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?
other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again
If I didn’t know any better….
Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.
drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr
I will never leave twitter.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“Head or tail?”
Her: That’s not how this works!