@Cpin42

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

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@TheCatWhisprer

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

@daemonic3

chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE

assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?

other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again

@_b1p0larbear

Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.

@quietlybiased

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

@Mardigroan

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.