Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
That’s easy for you to say
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time