@MomOnFire

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

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@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

@nojeshua

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

@HoldinCoffeeld

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the dollโ€™s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

@3sunzzz

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

@geowizzacist

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

@anerdonfire2

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

@Rollmaninoz

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

@HumbleBeastDre

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

@tiemoose

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no