Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.