Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
You Might Also Like
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”