No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I cannot stop laughing at this
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]