@Papa_Mex

Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…

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@Tuna_Lover

I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

@therealeatwood

ME: Stop hemming and hawing

DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere

@better_off_dad

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

@80want

inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes

@_SetTheHook_

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

@BillFienberg

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

@LittleMissAngr1

I misheard my elderly neighbour when she asked to borrow some tongs and now this fistful of underwear dangles awkwardly between us.