@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

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@Bob_Janke

My neighbor is having a nice party with loud music and everyone is having fun I should call the cops

@PaulyPeligroso

She said she liked it doggystyle, so I sniffed her butt then peed on the carpet

@krispythehuman

A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months.

Anyways hi, I’m Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.

@ShesARealGenius

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

@TheHyyyype

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

@chunkbardey

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

@notalogin

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

@Rollinintheseat

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

@ReticentTurnip

[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything