Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.