Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

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Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal



Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?


If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.


If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.


Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}


911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.



Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?


when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent