@GetCougarized

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

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@osoplain

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

@AtticusFinch79

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

@HiddleDeeDee

If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.

@JJSummertime

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

@Marlebean

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

@BoogTweets

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

@GibJimson

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

@hippieswordfish

when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent