Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
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[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The fall of Netflix
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Grandmother clock.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?