[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”