bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
You Might Also Like
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.