Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim