Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.