@ln0217

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

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@WheelTod

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

@HRTSMRT

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

@theDanLawler

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

@fairlyliterary

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@Tmoney68

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

@AcrimoniousClwn

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

@illuminatedwndr

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?