Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.