Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
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Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Me too 😆
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
oh you wanna fight?!
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.