if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
-an Italian guy describing an oak
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Our family’s annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I’m stringing the lights wrong.
If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?
Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?