“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow