Bike is short for Bichael.
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I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Brilliant!
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem