Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
My life coach traded me.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’