You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My marriage is a mess and I’m in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that’s what keeps me going.
“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.
Counting to ten after someone pisses you off gives you time to think of somewhere to bury them.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.