Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

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You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel


[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant


My marriage is a mess and I’m in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that’s what keeps me going.


“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.


Counting to ten after someone pisses you off gives you time to think of somewhere to bury them.


The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.


ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.


Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.