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Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely


My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her

She’s my Taco Belle


I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.


What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?


Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.


She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.


If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.