Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
You Might Also Like
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?