Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
subtitles are so good nowadays
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Stop being racist to kettles.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes