Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Bring back the McRib
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.