mom can you come get me people are getting engaged
Bikini season is just around the corner.
Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.
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This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.