Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer