My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can’t decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
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The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.
By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”