@TheAndrewNadeau

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

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@DaHess1

My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can’t decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.

@jwoodham

The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.

@NYC_Blonde

By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.

@TwinSurvivalist

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

@KimmyMonte

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

@jonnysun

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

@yoyoha

I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.

@TheRolo

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

@Tommytoughstuff

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”