You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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when she says she wants a “well-balanced man”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
How do you milk an almond?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Don’t kid yourself vegans.
If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*