Bill Clinton hiding in the Bushes:

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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!


Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date


Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.


You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.


[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real


Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know