Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
The first matador
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.