I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence