[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?