Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
You Might Also Like
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Saturday
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged