“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
They also CAN sing✌️
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.